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Missing The Trick October 16, 2006

Posted by Andy in andy roth, dummies, Growing Up, Halloween, soapbox, Trick or Treat.

Two weeks from tomorrow night, swarms of people too young to vote will visit my house. They will be attired in garb ranging from the elaborate “my parents need more children” to the mundane “as little effort as possible”. These porch-standing hooligans will have a common demmand of me: “Trick or Treat!” And that is where it starts to go wrong.

First of all, this demand should be presented to me as a choice: “Trick or Treat?”. Like “soup or salad?” (which I used to think was “Super Salad?” as in “Would I like the Super Salad?” “No thanks, I’m not a big fan of salad, but I wonder if I can get some soup?” Yes, I’m a dum-dum, but I’m getting off topic”)

Back to “Trick or Treat?” As the man with the candy, it should be my choice whether to distribute it to any particular princess, pirate, or super hero or instead face the consequences. Often, when I’m unimpressed with the supplicants costume, I feel like they don’t deserve my candy, and so I answer them “Trick, please” Instead of a trick, what they always give me, to a person, is a blank stare. The kids just don’t understand this. They have nothing prepared. No eggs, no toilet paper, not even a water gun. They just want the candy.

The blank stares often turn to looks of annoyance. I can see it in their eyes that they are thinking “Strange man, give me my Hershey bar now! I’ve got eighteen more cul-de-sacs to cover tonight.” Where’s the holiday spirit (pun intended)?