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Missing The Trick October 16, 2006

Posted by Andy in andy roth, dummies, Growing Up, Halloween, soapbox, Trick or Treat.
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Two weeks from tomorrow night, swarms of people too young to vote will visit my house. They will be attired in garb ranging from the elaborate “my parents need more children” to the mundane “as little effort as possible”. These porch-standing hooligans will have a common demmand of me: “Trick or Treat!” And that is where it starts to go wrong.

First of all, this demand should be presented to me as a choice: “Trick or Treat?”. Like “soup or salad?” (which I used to think was “Super Salad?” as in “Would I like the Super Salad?” “No thanks, I’m not a big fan of salad, but I wonder if I can get some soup?” Yes, I’m a dum-dum, but I’m getting off topic”)

Back to “Trick or Treat?” As the man with the candy, it should be my choice whether to distribute it to any particular princess, pirate, or super hero or instead face the consequences. Often, when I’m unimpressed with the supplicants costume, I feel like they don’t deserve my candy, and so I answer them “Trick, please” Instead of a trick, what they always give me, to a person, is a blank stare. The kids just don’t understand this. They have nothing prepared. No eggs, no toilet paper, not even a water gun. They just want the candy.

The blank stares often turn to looks of annoyance. I can see it in their eyes that they are thinking “Strange man, give me my Hershey bar now! I’ve got eighteen more cul-de-sacs to cover tonight.” Where’s the holiday spirit (pun intended)?

I’m a Dum-Dum July 16, 2006

Posted by Andy in andy roth, dummies, soapbox.
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17 September 2004

Recently, when reading a book to my son for the hundreth time, I realized I’d been making the same mistake each time I’d read it (I misread “white” instead of “whistle”). This realization led me to proclaim, “I’m a dum-dum!” Thinking this was a good thing, my son responded “I’m a dum-dum!” This led to an argument over who was the bigger dum-dum. Since my son was not interested in my supporting arguments, I’ll share them instead with you.

Dumb Things I’ve Done

  • Until I was about 25, I thought the word “might” was “minght” As in, “I minght be a dum dum”
  • Thought “whimsical” was “whismical” (I was full of whismic)
  • While swimming underwater, decided to find out what water smelled like
  • Investigated a dripping sound in the ceiling by standing directly below it and removing the ceiling tile.
  • Having seen a commercial where a guy removed a scratch from a counter top by sanding it out, decided to use this same method to remove a scratch from my sunglasses.
  • Bought a case of Frankenberry cereal
  • After getting out of the shower, I unknowingly put liquid hand soap in my hair instead of hair gel. I figured I must have just done a poor job rinsing out the shampoo, so went back into the shower to rinse my hair. I then proceeded to mistakenly put liquid hand soap in my hair again.
  • Got into an argument with a 2 year old about who was a dum-dum

SoapBox For Dummies July 11, 2006

Posted by Andy in andy roth, dummies, soapbox.
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(from ~1996) 

Maybe I just wanted to write an installment about something that is oh-so trendy in today’s computer world. The whole idea of “things” for dummies has gotten out of hand. It all started with “DOS for Dummies”. This made sense. Even though DOS is not rocket science, it is certainly complicated enough that a well written manual will sell a few copies. I wonder if they have “Rocket Science For Dummies” ? But I digress (“Digression For Dummies and Let Me Tell You About My Vacation”) Here are some other “For Dummies” books I’d like to see:

  • Condescension for Dummies, Like You!
  • SHOUTING FOR DUMMIES
  • Speling Four Dumbies
  • Ventriloquism For Dummies (get it?)
  • College For Dummies (aka Pitt)
  • Italics For Dummies
  • Repetition For Dummies
  • Repetition For Dummies (you saw that coming, didn’t you?)
  • Unfinished Titles For
  • AFD (Acronyms For Dummies)
  • SpacingForDum mies
  • Politics For Dummies (or is that redundant?)